


Three Knots

by TheEndeavorNetwork



Category: Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Non-Graphic Violence, Self-Doubt, occasional language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:03:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8122771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEndeavorNetwork/pseuds/TheEndeavorNetwork
Summary: [Rebuild AU] Almost a year after Near Third Impact, Shinji yearns for a friendship with Rei again. Rei considers her place in the world and what she means to herself and others. Kaworu struggles with supporting Shinji, even while he worries he might be losing him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> IIIIII'MMMMM BAAAAACCKKK!!! This is my first Eva fic. I hope you guys enjoy. :)  
> Please comment!

A sky of brown. Was it a sky? It was surrounding everything, and there was no Sun. No, it wasn't a sky, it was like a cloak. A heavy curtain blocking everything out. Blocking everything in. A dim light with no visible source permeated the space.

" _Whoever put us here wants us to see the world they created."_

Burgundy sand contrasted with pale feet. He thought perhaps if the cloak wasn't there, the ground would appear crimson. Did the same thing happen again?

" _Oh, Shinji…"_

Where was Shinji?

He looked up and saw what he had failed to see before. Stakes in the earth, lances of retribution, giant bones scattered with chunks of flesh.

And the bodies of the Lilin, impaled on the rods.

The First Child, the Second Child, the Fourth…and nearest to him, about 15 feet away, the Third. Shinji Ikari, hung limp, arms and legs dangling in submission to the force gently pulling them all towards the center of this planet without actually bringing them any closer. They were all perfect and pale. There was no blood, no scarring or mutilation. Just those lances penetrating through their bellies, all the same, perfect replicas.

He could hardly see anything besides Shinji's peaceful corpse, but he knew there was more to witness. His eyes slid to the right, his view extending to see beyond the grove of stakes. There were the fallen Evas, the sources of the crumpled tissue and broken bone upon the sand. They lay with one another, limbs overlapping in the heap. In the center was Unit-08. Her horns were shattered and half of her face was gone. He could not see a left arm or shoulder. On her left was Unit-02, whose dried brain matter was spilling out of her open skull. And on the right was Unit-01. He could not see what injury had befallen that Eva. Kneeling behind the others, with his face upturned to the sky, was the dark form of Mark.06.

His eyes caught a glimpse of something else just in front of the Evas. It was pale grey against the surrounding red. His eyes narrowed as he peered at it. Another dead Lilin. Not on a stake. Then, he recognized the slender body.

" _Oh,"_ he thought as he gazed at the head lying face-down 5 feet from the corpse, _"Right…That's me…"_

"......................................"

Gradually, the color was bleached from the picture, and the image was reduced to black and grey lines, devoid of definition, devoid of meaning. Just another extinction. Just another failure…

He closed his eyes and, somewhere inside, he groaned.

''''''''''''''''''

Kaworu's eyes flew open. The first thing they did was dart around the room, taking in the ceiling, the furniture, and the blue sky outside the window. He sighed, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. When his heart rate slowed to a normal pace, he opened them and turned his head to look out the window again. It was beautiful. The world was usually beautiful, though not the same way it used to be. But then again, he had never known any other world.

He let his mind wander for a while, then sat up and walked to the bathroom.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji blinked as the sun shone down on his bed.

" _Mmf_ ," he grumbled as he rolled over and snuggled further into the pillow.

His alarm went off, and he almost smashed it trying to turn it off. He grumbled and covered his face with his arm.

Several minutes of sleepy bliss passed before they were brought to an abrupt end by Asuka Langley Shikinami. She threw his door open as hard as she could without destroying it and yelled, "Hey, lazy, get up!"

Shinji jolted and glared up at her.

"Mind your own business," he grumbled.

She sneered at him.

"I am," she asserted, "It's my business whether I get my breakfast and lunch or not, and it's your business to make it. So c'mon, chop-chop! Food's not gonna cook itself!"

He scowled. Why did she _always_ have to insist he make breakfast on top of lunch? Couldn't she do that much herself? He thought maybe he should take it as a complement that everyone always wanted him to cook for them. But in Asuka's case, she was terrible at doing it herself anyway, so it didn't really mean much.

He rolled over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. He heard Misato exit the bathroom and call, "C'mon, Shinji, rise and shine! I have to go to work, and you have to go to school, remember?"

He sighed. Yeah. School.

Grunting, he heaved himself up and swung his legs off the bed.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji trudged down the sidewalk behind Asuka, who was talking about some European city or other she'd been to while he listened to music. He had one earbud out so he could pretend he was paying attention. He'd gotten cussed out the first time she turned around and saw he wasn't, and he just couldn't bother with her drama, so this was his solution.

To be honest with himself, she wasn't _too_ bad now. It had been about a year since the Bardiel incident. When she first got out the hospital, she was bitchier than ever. But then, she started to change. She got quiet. That was strange, seeing someone as depressed as himself. It made him sad, too, honestly. But Asuka was a fighter, and the new pilot Mari Makinami Illustrious seemed to help her too. They spent a lot of time together, and Asuka seemed to regard her as a friend. Even when they gave Asuka her Eva back – new and improved – she still had a different quality about her. Shinji didn't really know how to describe it. She was more mature, and she yelled less. Sometimes, he saw her just sitting with her face in her hands thinking, eyes focused on some point in the distance. She left the door to her room open sometimes, too. He didn't feel particularly close to her or anything – they weren't exactly friends – but he thought they could kind of relate to each other because they'd both been through something painful. Really, he thought, that was what connected all the pilots: pain, fear, and war.

Nowadays, he usually made an effort to listen to her for about 10 or 15 minutes, but he tended to zone out eventually. Or he got distracted. And just then, a major source of distraction was about to arrive.

As they neared a crossroad, Shinji kept his eyes peeled on the street coming in from the right. When they were about 10 feet away, Kaworu Nagisa rounded the corner. As always, he waited for them to reach him before walking again.

"Good morning, Asuka," he said with a warm smile as she drew even with him.

"Save it for your boyfriend," she said dismissively.

He smiled cheekily after her, then turned his attention to Shinji.

"Good morning, Shinji."

"Good morning, Kaworu. How are you?"

Kaworu gave Shinji his signature smile and answered as usual, "I'm wonderful; thank you for asking. How are you?" and also, as usual, Shinji's cheeks flushed slightly.

"Good," he mumbled, breaking eye contact for a second.

He couldn't help it. Even after a year of knowing Kaworu, he still acted like this around him. He wished he could just be normal, but Kaworu was just too...well… _Kaworu_. He knew Kaworu had a great power over him - and he knew why, though he didn't think about it too much - but he also had a feeling that he had a similar effect on Kaworu, if not as strong. Honestly, Shinji thought that if he asked Kaworu for anything, he would do it for him "if it made him happy." And Shinji certainly would do - and had done - whatever Kaworu requested, which Mari and Asuka liked to joke about constantly. But, it was alright. He knew that he could trust Kaworu, and he would never hurt him.

As they came in view of the entrance of Tokyo-3 First Municipal Middle School, Mari sprang up from her seat on a bench and bounded over to them, arms outspread. Asuka tried to evade her, but Mari was too fast and wrapped her up in her embrace.

" _Princess!_ " she squealed as Asuka's head was pressed into her bosom, "How are you today?"

Asuka growled, wrestled out of Mari's grasp, and pushed her away.

"I'd be _fine_ if you stopped doing _that_!"

" _Aww_ ," Mari said, furrowing her brow sarcastically as she pressed a finger to her bottom lip, "The Princess is never in a good mood in the morning."

Asuka ignored her and marched on. Several girls along the walkway waved and said hi. A couple friends approached her. She and Mari were undoubtedly the most popular people in school. The boys would have said good morning, too, but they knew from experience that it would get them nowhere, if not earn them a foot in the face. Mari, however, was more than happy to accept their salutations and even grant some kisses to the cheeks of her favorites, who were elevated to a social status just below the pilots.

She was currently granting her blessing to her two favorite boys.

"Hello, puppy boy," she cooed after planting a big, wet smooch on Shinji's cheek.

" _Ick_ ," he grumbled, wiping his face, "Morning, Mari."

"Hello, Kaworu," she simpered as she squeezed him to her chest just as she did with Asuka, "How are you today?"

"I'm well, thank you," Kaworu mumbled.

Many of the boys in the schoolyard whistled or cat-called. Shinji didn't care. He knew there was nothing between Mari and Kaworu. When Kaworu first arrived at NERV, she flirted with him relentlessly, but it didn't take long for her to realize the extent of his feelings for Shinji. After that, she pretty much gave up her vivacious pursuit of him, although she still delighted in making the occasional salacious comment.

"Y'know, puppy boy," she told Shinji once, "you're the luckiest guy in the world that the sexiest, most amazing man in history is in love with you."

Shinji had blushed and stuttered something about how it wasn't like that between them, but secretly, he had to agree with her. He often wondered about how unlikely it was that someone as wonderful and remarkable as Kaworu would want to spend so much time with someone as boring and lame as him. But he decided not to mull it over too much. He just wanted to enjoy the rare happiness he had found.

The three of them walked into school after Asuka. One benefit of being an Eva pilot – and there weren't many – was that, when you walked down the halls, everyone stood aside for you. At least if your name was Shikinami, Illustrious, or Nagisa. As they walked into Class 2-A, they were greeted by Hikari, Kensuke, and Toji. Mari, Asuka, and Hikari chatted with a group of other girls by Asuka's desk – if you wanted to talk to Asuka, you had to go to her – and "The Three Stooges" and Kaworu went to Shinji's desk. Shinji sat down, Kaworu leaned against the desk to his left, and Kensuke and Toji sat around him.

They were casually talking about some new military announcement in the newspaper when Rei Ayanami walked in. She was so quiet that they didn't notice her until she crossed right in front of the teacher's desk. Shinji visibly stiffened when he saw her. He looked away, and the other boys stopped talking. When she passed by Kaworu, he said politely, "Good morning, Rei."

She didn't respond or look at him.

When she took her seat in the back of the room, Shinji looked up at Kaworu and asked quietly with a slightly sour expression, "Why do you even bother talking to her? You know she's not going to answer."

Kaworu shrugged.

"It's polite."

Shinji's frown deepened, but he didn't argue. Kaworu was just going to be kind like that. Even to people who didn't deserve it.

"Hey, everybody! Teacher is in the classroom! Be seated!" Hikari yelled.

Chairs and desks clattered as everyone went back to their seats, and the teacher began his droning for the afternoon.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji was spacing out again, staring at the pixels on his laptop screen and resting his chin on his hand. He heard whispering to his right and turned to look. Mari was passing notes to a girl behind her, and they were stifling giggles. Sitting in front of her was Asuka, who was deep in her own thoughts. He watched her for several seconds, then looked back down at his laptop.

He'd typed a few notes, back when he was paying a little attention. He listened and typed a few more. Meanwhile, a chatroom was filling up at the bottom of his screen. He stopped typing, hands hovering over the keyboard. Then, discreetly, he peeked over his left shoulder at Rei.

She was sitting like she always did, chin in her hand and her elbow propped up on the desk as she gazed out the window. As he watched her in that familiar position, his features softened.

" _Rei,"_ he thought wistfully, _"Sometimes I wonder if she's still the same."_

He felt a dull ache inside; a yearning for the Rei he once knew to return. It had been a year, though, since she became like this. He had pretty much given up hope. But maybe…just maybe…there was a tiny chance he was wrong.

He turned back around and looked down at his desk. He was feeling a little miserable now. She always did that to him. His automatic response was to turn to his refuge. He stared unseeing at the screen as he frowned a little.

" _I know what he'll be doing,"_ he thought.

He imagined Kaworu, who was sitting diagonal from him, gazing unabashedly at Shinji as if he'd been admiring him since the beginning of time and still wasn't tired, wearing that smooth, provocative smile as always. Beside Kaworu's head, he pictured the caption, "Notice me, senpai!" He couldn't help chuckling a little under his breath.

" _Well, I might as well humor him. Can't let his efforts go to waste."_

Shinji looked up and braced himself for a blush, but he was surprised to find Kaworu doing something quite unexpected.

He was indeed gazing at Shinji, but his head was down on his arms, which were laying on the table. Nothing of his face was really visible, except his eyes. And those weren't warm and sparkling like normal. They were dark and…sad?

Shinji instinctively straightened up as he read the look in Kaworu's eyes, feeling concerned and puzzled. Kaworu quickly lifted his head and smiled. He was so good at putting Shinji at ease that almost every hint of his previous mood disappeared from his features. His expression now was almost apologetic. Shinji returned the smile, but he knew Kaworu was just hiding the problem. Whatever it was, it was still bothering him, and Shinji promised himself he was going to find out what it was later.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

" _Ahhhhh!_ " Mari sighed as she stretched luxuriously.

School was over, and all the students were spilling out into the hallway. The Eva pilots, Toji, Kensuke, and Hikari were standing outside 2-A. When Mari finished, she dropped her arms, which made a _BOOF_ sound as they hit her sides.

" _Sooo_ , are you guys _excited_ for our synch test today?"

Shinji and Asuka shrugged.

"Don't you guys do synch tests all the time?" asked Hikari.

"Yeah," Mari answered, "But this time, we're gonna _switch Evas!_ "

"Awesome!" Kensuke exclaimed from behind his camera before launching into a peal of questions, many of which the pilots couldn't answer due to either ignorance or secrecy.

Meanwhile, Rei exited the room and walked past them. Shinji looked over his shoulder at her, and Kaworu followed his gaze. When they both turned back around, their eyes met. Shinji smiled awkwardly, and Kaworu smiled back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some tension in this chapter, if you like that sort of thing. :) Also, sorry if you don't like KawoShin.  
> Please comment, love!

At NERV, Shinji and Kaworu walked into the boys' changing room together. They shared the same aisle, but they were on different sides. As they opened their lockers, Shinji looked over at Kaworu and cleared his throat.

"Um, Kaworu…"

"Mhm?"

Kaworu opened his locker and looked over his shoulder. Shinji hesitated for a moment, but then gathered his courage.

" _He would do the same for me."_

He turned to face him full-on.

"Well…Earlier, in class, I noticed you looked like something…well, was bothering you, so…I was wondering…if you'd maybe…like to talk about it? I mean, if you want," he added hurriedly, "You don't have to…"

His voice died out and he waited sheepishly. Kaworu tilted his head as he processed what Shinji said, then smiled warmly, and turned to face him as well.

"Shinji," he began, "Your concern has touched me deeper than you can imagine. But, I assure you, my worries are nothing for you to burden yourself with."

Shinji blushed and he was tempted to nod and just leave it at that, but he plucked up some more courage.

"T-thank you, Kaworu. But…I think it's bothering you more than you let on. And I want…I mean, you've always -," he paused and took a deep breath.

"You've always carried my burdens with me. Even when I told you that you didn't have to. And…you might feel the same way about whatever's going on with you, and not want to share it, but I _want_ you to because maybe there's some way I can help. 'Cause, I tell you everything; I want you to feel you can tell me anything too. Because I want to be as good a friend to you as you are to me."

He inhaled and waited. Kaworu blinked. There was a moment of silence, but then a truly loving smile spread over Kaworu's face. Shinji never knew how to react when one of those came along. But he knew how it made him feel. For some reason, they always reminded him of the Sun rising. Kaworu closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"Forgive me, Shinji. You're right. We should be equal. I can share some of my troubles with you, though I regret I cannot tell you all."

Shinji nodded, then realized that Kaworu couldn't see him.

"Uh, yeah. That's ok…"

Kaworu looked up, and his smile faded.

"I had a nightmare."

Now it was Shinji's turn to be surprised. A _nightmare_? Kaworu had nightmares? And they bothered him that much? Shinji might have laughed, but he reminded himself that he was returning the favor, and he had to be supportive and non-judgmental, just like Kaworu.

So, he set a serious face – not too serious, he hoped - and asked, "Well, what was it about?"

Kaworu hesitated before responding, "The world was destroyed…and everyone was dead."

Shinji frowned sadly as he looked at Kaworu.

"Wow. I mean, I didn't know you worried about things like that. I guess we all have dreams like that sometimes. Everything's pretty scary these days. But stuff's going well right now. Well, yeah, it's getting harder, but we're still winning battles. It's not the end yet. There's still hope. You told me that yourself, remember?"

Kaworu felt he loved Shinji more in that moment than he had in the past three lifetimes combined. He wanted to leap over the bench and embrace him, but he restrained himself. Instead, he grinned and nodded.

"You're right, Shinji. You're clearly more optimistic than me now. I'll do my best to follow your example."

Shinji's cheeks turned pink.

"I-it's nothing, Kaworu!" he stuttered, "You taught me that. I just wanted to cheer you up."

"I know," Kaworu said, cocking his head playfully.

Shinji grinned shyly.

"So," Kaworu began, "Perhaps we should get changed before the Captain misses us?"

"Oh! Right! Yeah, sorry," Shinji mumbled as he turned around.

"There's no need to apologize," Kaworu said for the millionth time.

As Shinji pulled off his shirt, he heard Kaworu speak again, quietly.

"I just don't want to disappoint you…"

Shinji looked at him again. Kaworu's bare back was to him. His head was slightly bowed, and he didn't turn around.

"Kaworu," Shinji said softly, "You could never disappoint me. You could never do anything wrong. You're too perfect."

Shinji worriedly watched Kaworu as the seconds of silence ticked on. Finally, he spoke.

"Shinji…-"

His head whipped around with a dazzling smile plastered to it.

" – thinks I'm _perfect_?"

Shinji could practically see the sparkles emanating from his face. He gritted his teeth and turned away, cheeks flushed.

"Well, everyone knows it."

Kaworu, however, gracefully sat himself on the bench, gazed up at Shinji, and flashed his pearly white teeth.

"Even if that is true," he crooned, "The fact that Shinji believes it gives it _all_ its significance."

"Yeah, yeah, just put on your plugsuit," Shinji muttered as he pulled off his undershirt.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"What took you two so long?" the Captain demanded with her hands on her hips.

She, Mari, and Rei were standing in the hallway that led to the gigantic Test Facilities that the Eva had been moved to. Rei was standing against the wall, and Mari and Asuka were in the middle of the walkway.

"We're not late are we?" Shinji asked.

Asuka frowned and crossed her arms.

"No. But you're later than usual."

"Hey, Princess," Mari said in a very deliberate impression of a whisper, "Maybe you should cut them some slack. I mean, I'm sure they had some _business_ to attend to _together_."

Asuka grinned, quickly picking up on the joke.

"Yeah, Four-Eyed Crony, I think you may be right. After all, everyone has things they need to _deal with_ occasionally, right?"

"Yes! And, sometimes, we need other people to _help us_ with them."

They sniggered together as Shinji practically yelled, "Shut up!"

Kaworu, meanwhile, was unfazed. He never cared about what anyone said about him. Shinji envied him that.

Over the speaker, Ritsuko's voice rang out.

"Evangelion pilots, Synch Test 056 will start in approximately 60 minutes. Please report to your respective test facilities as outlined in your briefs. If you forgot… _sigh_ …call me."

There was a click as she hung up.

"So, I guess this is it," said Mari, "Here, Princess – "

She bent down with puckered lips.

" _EWW!_ " Asuka screeched and pushed her away, "What are you doing, you pervert?!"

Mari seemed unfazed by Asuka's aggression.

"It's a blessing," she explained, grinning, "I'm giving you my blessing so my Eva will synch better with you."

Asuka folded her arms again and scowled.

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Me and your Eva are gonna be compatible at whatever ratio we are. A kiss isn't gonna affect anything."

Mari shrugged and adjusted her glasses.

"Can't hurt to try."

Asuka scoffed. Kaworu looked at Shinji and said, "Perhaps I should do that for you."

Shinji turned the color of a beet and looked almost horrified, but Kaworu chuckled and looked away.

"Just kidding."

They all parted ways and headed to their separate rooms. The pairings were as follows: Shinji and Mark.06, Rei and Unit-01, Asuka and Unit-08, Mari and Unit-02', and Kaworu and the newly constructed Mark.09. It was only a couple months old, and Rei had only piloted it in battle once. Ritsuko had asked the Commander if he was sure about including it in the test this early on, but he'd insisted.

Kaworu felt nervous as he stepped into the entry plug. If he had his way, he would be in any other Eva but this one. He knew it was the Vessel of the Adams, Gendo Ikari's greatest achievement so far in his blasphemous quest to make gods of men. But he did not know why he had been selected to test with it. He should be the last person Gendo wanted in contact with it. What if it caused an Impact? Surely, he didn't want that? Kaworu had considered skipping this test, but his curiosity got the better of him. Now he would find out how potentially foolish that decision was. He braced himself for the worst outcome.

He heard the entry plug slide in and pictured Shinji. He whispered his name under his breath like a protective prayer.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji was a little excited as the entry plug locked into place. He had never been inside Kaworu's Eva before. Well, of course he hadn't, but he was curious. He didn't know what he was expecting, but this was still cool. He felt the same as he did the first time he went into Kaworu's apartment, like he was being let in on some intimate part of his life. Somehow, it made Shinji feel closer to him.

As the system started, and the colors and patterns flashed by, he tapped his fingers eagerly. The display blinked on, revealing the enormous white test facility. He stared around himself, amazed. It was almost a 360-degree view. Smiling, he leaned back into the seat.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Asuka closed her eyes.

" _This Eva – "_

She smirked.

" _\- feels a bit smarter than its pilot."_

"I bet you piss yourself every time she pilots, huh?" she asked quietly.

" _But you're still a little wild yourself…"_

"Huh, Princess?" Mari sang as her video feed popped up on Asuka's dashboard, "Are you talking to my Eva?"

"Yeah, so what? You wanna sue me?"

Mari's lips turned up in a saucy smile.

"No. I just think it's cute, that's all. It's so sweet to see the two of you bonding. Y'know, Unit-02' and I are already pretty close."

"Please. You piloted it, like, once."

"Yes, but it was a real life-changing experience. She was my second Eva _and_ my second fight. And I set her free for the first time. She loves me. I can feel it right now," she sighed.

Asuka laughed.

"Well, I hope you two enjoy each other. Just don't get too blissful because I'm getting her back in 20 minutes."

"Ok, Your Highness. You know I would never covet something of yours. And, besides, Unit-08 and I were _made_ for each other."

Suddenly, Ritsuko's voice came over their speakers.

"Ladies, I'm going to have to ask you to concentrate now. This will be over in just a little while."

Mari and Asuka stopped talking, but made faces at each other for several seconds.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Rei lay still in Unit-01 and closed her eyes. This was what the doctor wanted her to do, so she did it, though she did not understand the purpose. There were many things she did not understand the purpose of. But she did not need to know. The Commander told her to follow the orders of Dr. Akagi, unless they were contradicted by his own. There were many people besides the Commander who she must obey. Vice Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki; Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, chief scientist and head of the Technical Branch; Colonel Misato Katsuragi, head of Tactical Operations; Captain Asuka Langley Shikinami, pilot of Unit-02, leader of the Eva pilots under conditions of battle…

She felt someone, a presence outside of herself. She ignored it.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Kaworu could feel them watching him. The Eva and the salvaged fragments of souls living within it. They recognized his aura, and they were creeping closer to examine him. They were on every side, inching in like lava. Instinctively, he wanted to push them back with his AT Field, but he feared that the contact might cause him to fuse with them. So, instead, he deliberately kept his synch ratio lower than normal.

Why did Gendo Ikari want him here? What did he have to gain? Kaworu had spent most of his lives analyzing everything about that man, trying to learn his mind and predict his every thought and action. He tried to solve him now. The Lance of Longinus was still accessible to SEELE, and Gendo almost never acted when it was. He had not set enough pieces in place. Causing the Third Impact now would accomplish nothing. Did this Gendo believe it would, regardless? But he was never that lax. Was he just trying to intimidate him?

Kaworu bit his lip and glanced up at the observation room. The King of the Lilin was not viewing today. Kaworu closed his eyes and waited impatiently for the test to be over.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji felt a bit odd. It wasn't a completely foreign feeling. He'd experienced it before inside Unit-01, but that was different. He knew it was the Eva, and he shouldn't really be worried, but he couldn't help it. In Unit-01, it was a surrounding force wrapped close around him that was almost…comforting. But, in here, whenever he closed his eyes, he got that hair-tingling sensation that comes when a person you can't see is staring at you, and he had to open them again and glance around. It wasn't sinister, just…bizarre. He felt self-conscious and kept looking around as if expecting to see someone sitting with their legs crossed and arms folded in a corner of the entry plug. He felt like an intruding houseguest now, and he wanted the test to be over…

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"Ok. Good job, guys. We're all finished."

Mari whooped and Asuka, Shinji, and Kaworu sighed. Kaworu let his tensed muscles relax a bit, but he didn't completely let down his guard. He wouldn't do that until the plug was removed.

Mari and Asuka chatted as the five of them walked back to the changing rooms. Shinji glanced over at Rei. She stared straight ahead, eyes trained in the direction of her next destination. Her expression was blank. Blank, but familiar. He felt the same ache from earlier again.

Kaworu watched him closely out the corner of his eye.

Once they entered their changing room, Kaworu asked, "So, what did you think?"

"Sorry?" Shinji asked, looking up.

"Of Mark.06?"

"Oh…" Shinji hesitated, trying to think of a way to describe it without sounding crazy, "Um…Well, it was…a little weird actually."

Kaworu raised his eyebrows slightly, but didn't look surprised.

"Well," he said, "It's always a little odd meeting someone new."

Shinji nodded. He wasn't that surprised by Kaworu's answer. Kaworu always knew what he meant, somehow. Sometimes, he honestly thought he could read his mind.

The two stood in front of their lockers and released the air locks on their plugsuits.

"So," Shinji began, "How was it for you?"

Kaworu paused.

"It was unusual."

Shinji laughed and nodded. After they finished undressing, they headed off to the showers.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji closed his eyes as the hot water beat down on him. In another stall, Kaworu was singing the "Ode to Joy" in German. He sighed and opened his eyes again.

" _Maybe I didn't try hard enough with Rei,"_ he thought morosely.

He thought back, remembering seeing her in the hospital, greeting her happily and getting no response. He'd been shocked, confused, and hurt, but at the time, he thought it was because she'd been through such a traumatizing experience. They both had. She'd been eaten by an Angel for God's sake. He decided to be patient and wait for her memory to come back. But after not seeing her for a while, he went to her apartment. And she slammed the door in his face. At least, that's what it felt like. He avoided her after that. Everyone else seemed to give up on her too. Misato, Ritsuko, and the other pilots. Not even Mari could get a humane reaction out of her, and she used to try all the time before Asuka made her stop. The only person she interacted with now was his father. And even then, she didn't smile anymore.

Shinji's brow furrowed.

Bitter hate bubbled up in his chest. His father always ruined everything. He _had_ to screw up everyone's lives. The only people he hadn't fucked with yet were Kaworu and Mari.

It wasn't Rei's fault. It was all his father's doing. He always knew that, but he couldn't help being angry at her too, after everything they'd been through together. But now, he felt clarity. Maybe he should try again. But he wasn't sure if it was a good idea. He was afraid of what might happen.

" _Maybe I should ask Kaworu."_

He looked over his shoulder at the other boy. All Shinji could see was his lank grey hair and white shoulders. He was still singing cheerfully. He stared for a few seconds, then sighed and turned back around.

" _I_ want _to ask him, but…"_

He didn't know what it was really, but he just felt like it might…hurt his feelings somehow. Shinji sighed again, grabbed the faucet handle, and turned off the shower.

He and Kaworu went back to the lockers to pit on their clothes, then walked to the piano room. As they sat down on the bench, Shinji put his thoughts about Rei on the back burner. This was the time when he didn't have to worry about anything, when he could just be alone and have fun with Kaworu.

They practiced for two hours until it was around time to go. Kaworu looked over at him, smiling.

"Do you want to play one more song?"

"Actually, Kaworu, can _you_ play something?" Shinji asked and subconsciously withdrew shyly into himself.

Kaworu smiled. It wasn't the first time he'd asked.

"Sure, that's alright."

Kaworu fingers danced gracefully over the keys as Shinji watched happily. He was amazed at how much better Kaworu sounded when he played solo. He held back when they did duets. Shinji loved seeing him make music. It seemed like he was made for it. His long, delicate fingers flew effortlessly over the keys, and his body swayed with the rhythm. He didn't even need to look at what he was doing to play the notes perfectly. To Shinji, he was practically glowing. Shinji stared at him, feeling the typical wonderment that always came over him when Kaworu was doing anything that made him look especially beautiful. Occasionally, Kaworu opened his eyes to gaze boldly at Shinji with a teasing smile. Shinji flushed and looked away.

When the song petered to a close, Kaworu's hands slowly drew back.

"Shall we go?"

Shinji nodded, and they both stood up. As they rode the lift up through the dark shaft, his previous thoughts crept back into his mind. He glanced over at Kaworu.

" _It won't really hurt,"_ he thought hesitantly, _"I mean, I just feel bad about Rei. He'll understand, right?"_

After one more glance, he cleared his throat.

" _Uh-hum_ …Kaworu?"

"Hm?"

"Uhm, I've been thinking…Well, just today, actually, about, um…what happened to Rei…"

Kaworu's face became serious. Shinji immediately regretted saying anything, but he had already started, so he had no choice but to see it through.

"Um, because she's been like this for a year, y'know? And I'm just –"

He paused. He didn't want to say "worried about."

"—wondering if she's still the same. As she was after the fight, I mean. I mean, I've been wondering if maybe she got some of her memories back."

"What brought this up?" Kaworu asked as he watched Shinji carefully.

Shinji sighed.

"Yeah, I know, it must seem kinda random. Especially since I haven't talked to her in a year. But that's actually kind of why I'm doing this. I mean, I don't know how she's been. I haven't talked to her at all, so I don't know if she's changed or not. What if she does remember some things, but she's afraid to tell me because I've been avoiding her?"

Kaworu looked thoughtful.

"What you suggest is possible," he answered, choosing his words carefully, "And it is important to maintain hope for the revival of Ayanami…..However, it may not have occurred yet. In fact, it is highly unlikely that it has."

Shinji's face fell.

"Oh…Ok. Thank you, Kaworu…"

Shinji turned to stare out the window just as they reached the surface and light pooled in. Kaworu read the concealed pain on Shinji's face and, despite his better judgement, caved to the need to apply placebo to his wounds.

"Shinji," Kaworu said as they stepped out onto the pavement, "Do not give up all hope."

Shinji looked up at him in surprise.

"If it will ease your mind to approach Ayanami, then perhaps you should do it. But also know," Kaworu added softly, "That you may be hurt."

Shinji nodded gravely.

"I know. Thank you, Kaworu."

Kaworu gave him a smile, which Shinji returned, and they walked on together until it was time to part ways.

"Bye, Kaworu. See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

As he walked away, Shinji waved over his shoulder. Kaworu pulled one hand out of his pocket to wave back, then turned around. Shinji strode home, feeling nervous, but also validated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all you Asuka-lovers out there, the Princess makes her real debut in this chapter. ;)  
> Comments are super-loved!

Kaworu opened the door of his apartment and closed it behind him. He bent down to pick up the few envelopes on the floor, slipped off his sneakers, and then walked into his bedroom, which also doubled as a living room. He slid his backpack off his shoulders, letting it drop onto the floor beside the low table. Walking up to the bed, he flipped through the envelopes. There were three solicitations and one check from the government for living expenses. He laid them on the mattress and then looked around. Everything familiar. Just as he left it.

He needed to urinate. He walked to the bathroom, stood in front of the toilet, and unzipped his pants. As the liquid trickled out, he stared at the dull grey wall.

' _I've been thinking…'_

" _He's been worrying about her…"_

" _Of course, that's perfectly natural,"_ he thought as he zipped his pants back up.

He flushed and watched the urine swirl away, eventually being replaced by water.

" _But he wants her now. He misses her."_

" _Of course he does. He knew her before."_

He moved to the sink and reached for the bar of soap.

" _He knew her before you. She was his first."_

" _But he loves me as well."_

His hands moved slowly over each other.

" _Only because he misses her. He only needs you when he doesn't have her."_

" _Ayanami and I are not the same."_

" _But you are similar. He wants you because you remind him of her. You fill a hole."_

"… _..Yes, I may fill a hole, but he loves me for it."_

He put his hands under the water.

" _Yes, that is the only reason he loves you. He wants you to fill the holes in his heart. To give him comfort, show him he is important. That is the only reason he wants you around. If you cease to perform that role, he will no longer feel for you."_

Kaworu lifted his head to meet his reflection staring tiredly back at him.

" _Shinji welcomes my affections – "_

" _He's disgusted by your affections. Every time someone calls you 'gay', 'homo', 'a couple', he blushes, turns away, fervently denies it."_

" _It's societal expectations – "_

" _He fears your touch."_

Kaworu looked down at his hands.

" _It's only because he doesn't know how to accept it."_

"…"

He looked up again and gazed into bloody eyes.

" _You're a freak."_

"................

" _Then Ayanami is a freak as well."_

He leaned away from the mirror, turned, and walked away. In the other room, he flopped down on the bed, one arm hanging off the side, the other draped across his stomach. He stared out the window at the pleated sky.

"Rei Ayanami…."

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Rei dried her body and hair with the towel, hung it over the rack, and brushed her teeth. Afterwards, she walked into the bedroom and got into bed. She lay on her back and pulled the sheets up to her navel, then rolled onto her belly. It was time to sleep.

But she kept her eyes open as they fell on the stack of books piled on the chair across the room. They had always been there, since she came here 11 months ago. She did not recognize them, and she had not moved them. She was not ordered to touch them, nor were they essential. She vaguely wondered if not being ordered to do something was the same as not being allowed to do it.

As she gazed at the books, she wondered if there had been a time when she read them. She could not remember it, but why else would they be here? That was what people did with books. They carried them on the train, at school, on the streets. All the people were preoccupied with something. She did nothing because she was not meant to do anything except what the Commander told her to do. That was acceptable because that was the nature of her existence. He told her the meaning of her life.

Indeed, the only object she distinctly recognized when she came here were the glasses in the case. She had seen them on the dresser when she first came in and picked them up. She was confused, because something deep inside, something not quite physical had ached, and tears fell from her eyes. She wanted to break them, and she tried, but she had to stop because that hurt even more. She knew they were the Commander's. But that was all she knew. That was all she knew of anything here.

The books were covered in thick white dust. She thought of getting up and cleaning them off. But for what purpose? Would she read them? She did not do anything without His permission. That was what she must do in her life. That was her purpose. That was the only path that had been shown to her. Everywhere else was darkness. She was blind.

She closed her eyes.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji was really anxious to see Rei. He had a whole speech planned out. First, he was going to apologize for not speaking to her for so long, then he was going to…well…ok, honestly, he had no idea what he was actually going to say. But he was going to try to salvage as much of his dignity as possible. He came to school the next day feeling a little queasy, and while he, Kaworu, Toji, and Kensuke talked, he glanced repeatedly at the door. But she didn't come in before class started. She didn't show up late, either. In fact, for the rest of the week, he didn't see her at school or NERV. He complained about it to Asuka when they were walking home one day. She frowned.

"What do you wanna see her for?"

"I just wanna see how she is…"

She raised an eyebrow.

"'See how she is'? What, you and homo-boy fell out?"

"His name is Kaworu! And, no, it's not like that," he paused before continuing, "It's just…she's been… _out of it_ for so long now, I just got kind of worried. What if she got better, but we didn't know? 'Cause she hasn't been talking to anyone, y'know? I just thought…"

Asuka frowned but didn't say anything. They continued on in silence for several minutes.

"Hey, Shinji," she began.

"Yeah?"

"I know you probably don't wanna hear this, but I don't think she's changed. I don't even know if she _will_. I mean, like you said, it's been a year. That's a long time to be like that. Sorry, but that's just my honest opinion."

He looked down as they climbed the steps of the building.

"Ok, Asuka. I'm still gonna try, though."

She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Sure, Shinji. Go be her knight in shining armor."

Shinji scowled and blushed, but didn't say anything else.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

On Saturday, when the bell rang, Hikari approached Asuka, who was packing up her bag.

"Uh, hey, Asuka?" she asked hesitantly.

Asuka looked up curiously. Hikari was never meek with her. She looked down and saw a thick packet of papers in her hands.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Well, uh, Rei hasn't been here, so teacher asked me to get these papers together for her. And, I wondered if you could deliver them to her. I'm sorry to bother you. I would have asked Shinji, but it looks like they fell out, so –"

"No, you did the right thing," Asuka interrupted as she stuck out her hand, "Just tellin' you, though, she's not gonna look at them."

"Oh…"

Hikari started pulling back her hand, but Asuka reached out and took the packet.

"I mean you shouldn't bother yourself in the future. She doesn't care."

"Well, then, I'm sorry for the trouble. Thanks for doing this!"

She bowed quickly and ran to go get her stuff.

"Do you want me to take it for you, Princess?" asked Mari.

Asuka looked at it.

"Nah, I'll do it myself," she said as she pulled her bag up onto her shoulder.

"I'll come with you, then!" she chirped.

"Aren't you and Mori hanging out later today?"

Mari's mouth dropped open into an "O," and she clapped her palms to her cheeks.

"Oh, shit! That's right, I forgot. Oh, silly me," she giggled as she pinched and shook Asuka's cheek, "What would I do without Her Highness looking out for me?"

Asuka swatted her hand away like a fly and answered, "Die, probably."

" _That's right!_ " Mari squealed.

"Jesus, you make my ears hurt…"

Asuka said goodbye to Mari and Hikari at the school entrance. She didn't have to say bye to Shinji because he and Kaworu were already leaving together.

"Look at those two gays," she thought almost fondly.

She would never admit that she secretly thought they were cute together. Sickeningly adorable, more like.

She strode down the streets, heading for the complex where Rei and Kaworu lived. She only knew the way because of the address on Rei's dinner party invitation. She climbed the steps and eventually found the door.

She pushed the doorbell and waited. There was no answer or sound from inside. After about 10 seconds, she knocked loudly.

"Hello? Ayanami, it's me, Asuka!"

Once again, there was no response. She decided to try one more time.

"Hey, if you're in there and you're ignoring me, you better knock it off now!...That's an order!"

Silence. Asuka huffed.

"Guess she's not home, then."

She looked down and saw the mail slot. It was crammed with letters. There was mail on the ground beside the door, too. She tried to clear the slot by pushing them down, but they wouldn't budge. She tried harder, but her hand scraped painfully against the upper rim.

"Ow!" she yelped, drawing her hand back, "Shit! What the hell is blocking it?"

She rubbed her hand and stared at the door, frowning. Eventually, she slowly reached out. To her surprise, it was unlocked. She pushed it open a crack, then stared.

She couldn't deny: She was curious.

" _She won't care. I'm not gonna touch anything…"_

Glancing around quickly, she pushed gently on the door. It creaked slightly. She flinched.

"She's not home," she reminded herself.

She pushed the door further open and slipped inside, shutting it behind her. Once she took in her surroundings, she was struck with shock. Against the wall behind the door was a massive pile of envelopes, about two feet high. It appeared Rei hadn't touched any of her mail for months and simply just let the door push them out the way. Asuka crinkled her nose. There was a bad smell, too; something familiar, but she couldn't place it. The floor was dirty, but that wasn't it.

A thought drifted across her mind: What if Ayanami was dead?

She quickly dismissed it. For the place to be this bad, it would have to be unattended for longer than a week. Stepping over a few letters and slipping off her shoes – which she hesitated to do because of the state of the floor -, Asuka stepped up into the hall. She looked into the barren kitchen. There was nothing there, really, just dust. But when she went to the bedroom doorway, she instantly recoiled.

It looked like something from a horror movie. Next to the bed was a pile of dirty clothes, and in the corner, next to a cabinet, was a bloody heap of linen. The blood was old and brown. Now she knew where that smell was coming from. Strewn around the floor were crumpled pieces of tissue and what looked like empty pill packets. From the entrance of the room to the bed was a trail through the garbage.

Asuka covered her mouth.

" _How can this –?!"_

She felt something slip from her hand and heard it hit the floor with a _Psh!_ Right, the papers. As she bent down to pick them up, the thought of just leaving without delivering them crossed her mind. If she left these here, they would just add to the mess. Asuka looked at the path through the bedroom. She wanted to see what the rest of the place looked like.

She turned to walk down the hall. There was a door on the right. She put her pinkie to it and pushed. It was dark inside, but she could see it was a bathroom. The smell was even fouler in here. It reeked of mold. She covered her mouth again. Her eye was drawn to the shower across the room. From the bottom of the curtain, coming up almost four feet, was a dark stain that was speckled at the top. It took her a second to realize what she was looking at, but when she did, she immediately swung the door closed.

Stalking away rigidly, she blurted, "This place is a health hazard!" then instantly regretted opening her mouth.

When she was only a few feet from the front door, it suddenly opened and Rei appeared, framed in the doorway.

Asuka froze and gaped. A look of faint surprise flashed across the other girl's face and then was gone.

"Uh…uh," Asuka stuttered.

"Why are you here?" Rei asked calmly.

Realizing Rei was not angry, Asuka swallowed and set her shoulders.

"Well, I only came here to deliver this school stuff, which I know you won't look at anyway. I would have just dropped them in the mail slot, but you won't clear the damn thing, so I came in to leave it somewhere…Sorry."

Rei gazed coolly at Asuka as she explained. When she finished, she walked towards her. It took Asuka a moment to realize that Rei was going to her bedroom. She didn't try to move around Asuka, so the latter had to step out of her way to avoid being walked into.

"Hey!" Asuka exclaimed.

She watched as Rei made her way to the bed and started undressing. Asuka balked.

"Hey!" she yelled again, and Rei turned around, "You're not supposed to do that with other people around!"

Rei opened her mouth.

"Is that an order?"

"Yes, it's an order! And while you're at it, throw out this garbage you have all over the place; it's gonna make you sick! And any other sorry bastard who meets you and doesn't wear a hazmat suit!"

Rei stared and Asuka gritted her teeth.

"Well, I'll get out of your hair now. I'll just take this with me."

She strode to the door and wrenched it open. Before walking out, she whipped her head around.

"And _wash your shower curtain!_ "

She slammed the door behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> '_'   
> Hm...Nothing to say here..................Enjoy! And also, comment.

She felt sick. Partially because of what she'd just seen, but also because of the person responsible for it. _How could she live like that?_ Asuka pictured the climbing mold again, the crusty blood, the dust. Cold, dead, crimson eyes. It was absurd.

"Geez, the Commander really did a number on her, huh?"

Rei was completely gone. There was no Rei Ayanami anymore. Asuka was sure of it. Even if there _was_ still one, she sure wasn't here. That back there was a dead thing. An empty husk for the Commander to stuff with orders. Asuka felt a pang of remorse for calling Rei a doll before. She was wrong. She hadn't known what that meant.

As she approached Misato's apartment, she thought, _"So, now do I have to tell the idiot?"_

She knew if she did, he wouldn't thank her for it. He'd overreact like a little brat. It didn't make any sense to bother with him.

She unlocked the door and stepped inside. He wasn't home now, anyway. He was still with Kaworu and wouldn't get back until late afternoon, when it was time to cook dinner. She sighed as she dropped her bag on the floor of her bedroom and flopped down on the bed.

" _Whatever…"_

She grabbed her game console off the bedside table and turned it on.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

" _Heeyy_ , I'm back!" Shinji called cheerfully as he walked into the apartment.

"Hey," she yelled back, "Did you guys do it?"

"Shut up!" he called, as usual.

For the next couple hours, Shinji was either in the kitchen or his room, and Asuka didn't leave her room at all. When Misato got home, they all ate dinner together. Then, Misato retired to her room to drink more by herself (and probably call Kaji), and Asuka and Shinji went to the living room to do their homework.

They both lay on their bellies. Asuka had some math homework in front of her, and Shinji was reading a textbook. She looked over at him, thinking.

" _What the hell…"_

"Hey, Shinji."

"Yeah?" he said without looking up.

"Earlier, Hikari asked me to drop some schoolwork over by Rei's –"

Shinji's head flew up.

"You went over there?! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Alright, hold your horses, idiot. Because I wanted to check her out for myself."

Shinji went silent.

"And?" he asked.

She sighed.

" _Here comes the crap."_

"Listen, she's really bad. I mean, the place looks like a hobo lives there."

"Rei's always been messy," he said defensively.

"No, Shinji. It's like a horror movie. There were piles of bloody bandages that were _months_ old. And she doesn't wash her clothes, and there's trash everywhere. And her bathroom is a mold colony. Nobody should be able tolerate living like that."

Shinji frowned and stared at the floor as she finished. She watched him, waiting. Finally, he spoke.

"Even if all that's true…I still feel like I have to try –"

Asuka scoffed.

"No!" he interjected, "Because after everything she's been through, don't you feel _bad_ for her?"

"Yes, I feel bad for her, Shinji! We _all_ feel bad for her, but that's not enough, is it? There's a hell of a lot of times that wishing something was different doesn't change shit, and this, unfortunately, is one of them. Why are you so obsessed with this all of a sudden? What, do you feel guilty because you weren't there? Forget it! You did your best, it wasn't enough, accept it, move on!"

"That's easy for you to say!" Shinji almost yelled. At her words, he felt something wrenching in his chest, turning and tearing his insides. "You hardly knew her before! Rei's _gone!_ "

"Yeah, she is! And no one can bring her back! So stop trying to be a hero, you idiot! It's not going to work!"

They ground their teeth as they glared at each other. Shinji felt his eyes stinging and pushed himself up off the ground.

"No, I'll go!" she yelled, leaping to her feet and grabbing her things.

She stomped out the room muttering harshly in German. Shinji stared unseeingly at the textbook, then laid down his head and closed his eyes.

"Shinji?" he heard Misato say gently from the doorway.

He turned his face away from her.

"I'm fine."

"I heard you and Asuka fighting –"

"I'm fine."

She lingered there for a few seconds, but he didn't move or say anything else, so she walked away to check on Asuka. Shinji sniffed and blinked back tears. Then, he put his earbuds in and rested his head on his arms.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

The next day, Rei finally came to school. Shinji looked at her once, then turned back around. He could feel Asuka's intense glare on him. He didn't want to look at her. He didn't even look at Kaworu.

At the end of class, Kaworu came and stood by him.

"Um, Kaworu?" Shinji began nervously.

"Yes?"

"Well…I was wondering…if it would be ok if…we did piano practice a little later today?"

Kaworu nodded.

"Of course. You know, you can take the whole afternoon for yourself if you need it," he said.

"Oh, no! It's alright, Kaworu –"

But Kaworu interrupted, "No, I insist. Don't feel bad about it."

Shinji nodded and smiled meekly. Kaworu was too kind to him. He didn't deserve it.

"Well, I'll let you walk alone then?"

"Oh? Uh, yeah…Thank you, Kaworu…"

They said goodbye, and Kaworu left. Shinji took his sweet time packing up his things as he waited for Rei to precede him out the room. Once she was out the door, he followed her. He kept a good distance between them, but stayed close enough that he could still see her in front of him. As he followed her down the streets, he fell further and further behind. Partially because he didn't want to be seen, but mostly because he was scared. Honestly, he was having second thoughts. Maybe not even second, but fourth or fifth. What Asuka said last night had hammered a significant dent in his confidence and will to go through with this.

As he watched her back dejectedly, he thought, _"I'm far enough away. She doesn't know I'm here. I could just turn around and go home. Or play piano with Kaworu. I don't have to do this."_

But as they neared her apartment complex, and he had practically made the decision to give up, she suddenly stopped and turned to face him.

He froze, and an icy chill slithered down his spine. There was about 30 feet between them, but he felt like they were face to face. Like she could reach out and slap him. She stared at him with a look of mild curiosity. His face was beet-red, and he started opening and closing his mouth like a fish. She seemed to be waiting for an explanation. Finally, he managed to spit something out.

"S-sorry!"

There was several seconds' silence.

"Why are you following me?" she asked calmly.

He swallowed.

"Uh! Um…!"

Her eyes were starting to turn to glass again. Any second now, she was going to turn around and walk away.

"I…" he took a deep breath and swallowed, "I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

"About," he continued, stepping closer so he didn't have to speak so loudly and mentally cursing at himself all the while, "things."

"…What things?"

"Like the attack…with the 10th Angel."

"…."

"I know before, you said that you didn't remember it, but now…I wondered if maybe you do, a little bit…?"

"No."

His heart sank.

"Not all?" he asked, his voice becoming strained, "No sights or sounds, or anything?"

She shook her head. He lowered his face. He had lost the will to speak, but he knew that if he didn't, she would leave.

"Hey, I'm sorry for not talking to you all this time. It must have been pretty lonely."

She blinked.

"Lonely?"

It struck a chord. Like there was a string in her heart that someone had finally plucked.

"Yeah. You know, 'cause you didn't have anyone to talk to…except my father, I guess," he muttered.

Rei stared at this boy, who vaguely resembled his father. Shinji Ikari, someone she had never met before until 11 months ago; but he had met her. He knew someone named Rei Ayanami. They all did. That was why they were upset. That was why they disliked her. She was not the one they wanted.

She examined his features: his oval face and his large, desperate eyes. No, she didn't know him, but there was a faint familiarity. Always that, with everyone. Familiarity, even if this Rei did not know you. Knowledge without understanding. Perception in tandem with ignorance. She hated Him, and she loved Him.

Shinji saw Rei's eyes glazing over.

" _Oh, no, I've lost her,"_ he thought.

"Rei?" he offered quietly.

To his surprise, she blinked and refocused on him.

"Um, are you ok?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Ok. Look, I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll let you go home now."

"Yes."

"Sorry," he mumbled as he turned to walk away, "Goodbye."

"Goodbye…"

It wasn't until she was standing at her door and he was two blocks away that they realized what she said.

"Thank you…" she whispered, "I have never said those words before…"

''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji lay awake in the dark, smiling as he gazed up at the ceiling. Finally, he rolled over and snuggled into the sheets, hopeful for the next day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to get dirty, boys and girls.

Kaworu lay on his back on the hillside, soaking up the Sun. He stared up at the rich blue sky, which was riddled with cumulonimbus clouds. It really was exquisite. A strong breeze swept down the slope, through the grass and his hair. A plane raced by.

Taking a deep breath, he stood and began walking down towards the city.

'''''''''''

The balcony door burst open as Mari flew out and grabbed onto the railing, arcing her body into the wind.

"There's a funny scent in the air," she said as her hair whipped around her, "Do you smell it?"

'''''''''''

Shinji pulled out his earbuds and listened for a moment. He sat up and looked around, then called, "Hey, Asuka, did you say something?"

"No!" she yelled from her room.

"Oh, ok!" he answered before laying back down on the floor and closing his eyes.

One minute later, though, Asuka came and knocked on the casing. He pulled out the earbuds again and looked up curiously.

"Hey. Let's go to NERV."

He looked at her for a second.

"Ok."

'''''''''''

Rei sat on a chair in NERV, her hands resting neatly in her lap. The Commander said he would be right with her. She didn't think that was going to happen now. She considered going to the changing room, but the order hadn't been issued yet.

So, she waited.

'''''''''''''''''''''''

Shinji was surprised to find Kaworu already sitting in the locker room when he got there.

"Oh, Kaworu! You're here, too?"

"Mm-hm," Kaworu said and nodded.

They didn't speak as they changed. After each pressed the air lock, they looked over their shoulders at each other. Kaworu smiled gently and, for a moment, warmth replaced the chill in Shinji's blood.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

The Command Center of NERV HQ was suddenly filled with the harsh blare of alarms.

"Colonel!" Maya yelled, "Sensors are picking up a blood pattern Blue! Unidentified object has been located 50 miles outside Toyko-3!"

"Do we have a visual yet?" Misato demanded.

"Not yet, Ma'am! The air force have just been informed to approach the target."

"Alright. Somebody get a hold of the pilots!"

" _A-hem!_ "

Everyone turned to look at the lift entrance.

"We're already here!" Asuka announced, hands on her hips as she stood dramatically in front of Shinji, Mari, and Kaworu, all of whom were outfitted in their plugsuits.

Misato grinned.

"Well, _of course_ you are! Ok, guys, you can head down to your Evas. Where's Rei?...Somebody find her."

"Ma'am," Hyuga said, "We now have a visual. Enemy confirmed to be an Angel."

The picture flashed up on the giant display.

"Another Nemesis," Dr. Akagi muttered.

Misato's face became grave. She turned to Akagi, who was bent over looking at Maya's computer.

"Hey, Ritsuko," she said, "I don't suppose that big fancy machine you've been working on is ready yet?"

Ritsuko looked up.

"No, it's not. Sorry."

Misato sighed.

"Alright," she said as she turned back to the pilots, "You guys heard her. Get your big boots on; it's gonna be messy."

As their entry plugs slid into place and synchronization began, Mari started singing.

"Juuuust like the cruel Angel…"

"No, shut up!" Asuka howled.

Kaworu chuckled.

"Young boy become a leeegaaaaaand!"

Asuka growled. Shinji couldn't stifle his laughter. Mari happily continued.

"Though the untested breeze taps at the door to your heart...

You look solely at me and smile.

Longing for that gentle touch…

Of Kaworu-sa-an…."

"Ok, stop," Shinji interrupted.

Now it was Asuka's turn to laugh.

Rei sat quietly, wondering about the fact that they were all facing death, but the others were making so light of the situation. Perhaps that was why they were doing it, why Mari always sang before a battle. Because there might not be any happy moments for them after this.

Happy…She wondered what might make her feel that way. She did not know what is was. Not even when she was with Him did she feel it. She believed there may have been a time when she did, but now she couldn't. He had wrung her out so many times, her heart was dry.

Over the speakers, Maya's voice echoed, "All Eva units ready for launch."

"Launch all units!" Misato ordered.

The Evas were catapulted to the surface. When he emerged in the city and stepped out onto the pavement, Shinji looked to the West. He saw the Angel inching closer. It must have been half a mile wide and 2,000 feet tall. It resembled a black grid with small green eyes where the bars intersected. Green eyes with orange irises and black pupils. It shuddered and hummed as it pushed forward over the earth.

"Approach the target cautiously," Misato warned, "Remember, no matter what, don't get hit."

"Yeah, tell us something we _don't_ know," Asuka said, "Ok, you losers, let's go!"

Unit-02' sprang forward. The machine gun was already attached to its left arm. Several of the weapon caches disguised as buildings flew open. Both Asuka and Kaworu grabbed a spear, and he and everyone else took automatic rifles. Then, they all began their careful approach toward the Angel, shielding themselves with the buildings. Once they reached the outskirts of the city, they halted behind the last tall structures. From their locations, they could discern the core near the center of the lattice-work. It was a difficult target – it was only as big as the eyes.

"Shall we engage the enemy, Colonel?" Mari chimed.

"Yes!" Misato answered, "Just be careful…"

"Alright," Asuka interjected, "How many times are you gonna say that? Ok, with my go-ahead…"

She said, raising her weaponized arm. Kaworu thrust his spear into the ground and cocked the rifle. Shinji was measuring his breathing as he looked over his shoulder at the Angel, picturing where he was going to fire. Mari was humming something indiscernible.

"Three…" Asuka muttered, "Two…ONE!"

A torrent of bullets hailed upon the core. They hit the AT Field and fizzled into nothing, and the Angel continued pushing forward. The pilots kept up the volley.

Suddenly, the Angel's continuous hum became a _VEEN_.

"It's gonna do the thing!" Shinji yelled as he leapt to the side.

Everyone dived.

The Angel released a shrill cry and shot five beams of light where the Evas had been a second ago.

"Whoa!" Mari yelled.

She fell, rolled back onto her feet, and raised her gun.

"Take this!" she yelled, aiming at the core.

She fired, and the other pilots watched as the Angel's countless eyes turned toward its core. They widened, and the lid around the core blinked. Her shot exploded as it hit its mark. Mari whooped, but then the lid reopened. The core was gone. In its place was a green eye, just like any of the others.

"Hey!" Mari protested, "Where's the core?"

But she didn't have time to get her question answered. The eyes swiveled to look at her and let loose a volley of their own. She cursed as she flipped and scrambled away.

"Damn it, idiot crony! Don't be a dumbass!"

"I have located the core," Rei announced.

"Where is it?" Asuka and Mari asked simultaneously.

"In the third row from the top, sixth from the right."

"Good work, Rei," Misato said over the intercom, "Let's keep our eyes peeled. We'll try and help you out from here."

"Ok," Asuka said "Let's do this again. Ready?"

"Yeah," Shinji muttered.

"Do you need to ask me, Princess?" Mari asked.

They aimed at the new location of the core and fired. Once again, the AT Field appeared as it blocked the bullets. The Angel began its shrill call, and they all jumped out the way. It shot five beams again, and there was a momentary pause before it became a blitzkrieg. Honestly, Shinji didn't know how he survived these things. The light was almost blinding, and it was everywhere. It was like a strike straight from heaven. Kaworu yanked him out the way about three times. He didn't have time to concentrate on anything other than not getting killed. He couldn't comprehend how Asuka had the time or breath to curse. Once, out the corner of his eye, he saw Mari flipping and twirling and giggling as if this was fun or something.

Finally, there was a break in the storm. They had retreated to the opposite end of the city, and the Angel was now in the middle. The buildings were rubble behind and in front of it.

"Wow!" Mari exclaimed, "That was really a workout! My calves are burning!"

"Misato!" Shinji gasped, "There's no way we can beat that thing!"

"Ugh," Asuka grunted, "I'm gonna hafta agree with the idiot. It's not even giving us time to point our guns. Most of the weapon caches got burnt up. At this rate, Toyko-3 is gonna get decimated anyway. I think we should retreat and use a sniper attack."

There was a long silence before Misato responded.

"Alright. I agree. We need a long range attack. But we don't have time to set up a sniper attack. By the time we have everything ready, the Geofront and possibly HQ will be infiltrated."

In the Command Center, Misato uncrossed her arms and furrowed her brow. Then she turned and looked up at the Commander.

"Commander, requesting permission to use the Lance of Longinus."

Rei's head twitched up and Kaworu's eyes widened.

"Lance of _What_? What's that?" Asuka asked.

The Commander didn't respond. His face was hidden behind his hands and shaded glasses. Misato couldn't tell what he was thinking or what his response might be. Fuyutsuki bent down and whispered something in Gendo's ear. After a few more seconds of suspense, he finally spoke.

"Very well. Rei will retrieve the Lance and utilize it against the Angel."

Misato bowed.

"Yes, Sir."

As she turned back to the display, he added, "She knows where to find it."

"Ok, Rei. You heard your orders."

"Yes," Rei responded before turning and running to one of the transport buildings and being whisked away.

"So," Asuka began, "While Wonder Girl retrieves this secret weapon, our job is to, let me guess -"

"Yes, I need you guys to occupy the enemy. I promise, once she gets back, this will be all over before you know it. If you guys can just hang on until then. Do you think you can do that?"

Asuka sighed.

"Well, it's not ideal, but I guess we've got no choice."

"Thanks so much, Asuka."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's our asses that are getting fried over here. I do what you tell me anyway…"

She cocked her gun.

"Alright, now where's that stupid core…?"

Kaworu answered, "It is probably at the bottom right or left corner of its body."

"How do you know that?" Shinji asked, "I can't see anything."

"Exactly. The fact that we cannot see the core, and that those areas are not within our line of sight suggests that is where it currently is."

" _Ohhh_ ," said Mari, "So clever, Kaworu…"

"Alright, then," said Asuka, "Four-eyed crony, you and I are taking the right side. Homo-boy, take the idiot with you to the left. Whoever sees the core shoots it. And if you've got the wrong side, shoot the bastard in the eyes anyway. This might actually work if it's busy trying to kill the other people."

"That makes me feel so great…" Shinji muttered.

"Hey! Do you have a better plan, moron?"

"Eh… _No_ …"

"Then shut your mouth!"

Mari burst into a peal of giggles. Shinji clenched his controls but didn't say anything. Kaworu lifted his eyes to heaven.

"Move out!" Asuka commanded.

They separated and tried to move as discreetly as possible with the little cover they still had. When Shinji and Kaworu finally got a view of the left side, they saw that the core was not there.

"It's not here," Shinji said.

"Oh boy," Asuka said, "Well, you know what to do, distract it."

"Yes, ma'am," Shinji grumbled under his breath as he raised his weapon.

He started firing, and Kaworu quickly followed. The eyes swiveled to lock on them.

"If you guys are guys are gonna do something, it should be now!" he yelled.

Asuka and Mari shot at the core, but they didn't even have time to see if they hit their mark. It was too late: the lightning had struck.

He was blinded again. Dark structures were dissolving into specs; flashes of color and the bodies of Evas. Someone screamed.

"Who was that?" Misato demanded.

"Unit-08 has sustained heavy damage, ma'am," Aoba answered, "Part of its left leg has been blasted away."

"Shit! Mari!"

Seemingly, the next second, the light dimmed as if it had never been there at all. Shinji blinked as his eyes adjusted. Uni-01 was lying on its back. He lifted his head and saw Unit-08 100 feet away also lying down, but trying to lift itself up by its elbows. Its left thigh was bloody and raw. Unit-02' was crawling over to it.

"Idiot Four-Eyes! Can't you do anything without hurting yourself?"

Unit-02' hoisted Unit-08 onto its feet.

"Don't worry about me, Princess," Mari grunted, "It's just a scratch."

"I'm not worried about you, stupid. That's valuable international property you're piloting."

Suddenly, Rei's voice echoed over the intercom.

"I have retrieved the Lance of Longinus."

"Great, now get your butt over here!"

The Angel let out a grumbling noise and all of them went silent, staring up at it.

"Uh, what does that mean?" Shinji asked.

"It means," Mari said, "that it's getting tired of playing with us…"

"Dammit," Asuka cursed, "We can't just dodge it like before 'cause now Four-Eyes is hurt. Can you walk to one of those transporters?"

Mari didn't have time to answer before Misato spoke up.

"Guys, Rei's on her way. I need you to do as much as you can before she gets there. Mari can still fire a gun, so I'm gonna hafta ask her to stay…"

" _What?_ " Asuka protested, "That makes no sense. She's a liability. Look at her. We can't look out for her and save ourselves."

There was a brief pause.

"I'm not asking you to."

Shinji was shocked. He had never heard Misato speak like this before.

"Listen," Misato sighed, "I can't guarantee any of your safety until Rei comes with that Lance. So, I need you all to hang in there…Look, we can go for udon when this is over, ok?"

Asuka silently brooded until Mari spoke up.

"I got no problem with that Colonel."

"Thanks, Mari. This'll be over soon, I promise."

Asuka grumbled, "I swear, this Lance better split the heavens…"

Unit-02' and Unit-01 took up position in front of Unit-08 and Mark.06.

"Ok, this is the last stand, so make it count," Asuka said.

"Hey, I don't wanna die either," Shinji shot back.

Asuka laughed.

The Angel's deep grumble resonated again as it watched them and inched forward.

"Three…

Two…

ONE!"

In unison, Shinji, Asuka, and Mari spread their AT Fields. All four raised their firearms, and let loose a volley on the core. The Angel screeched and shot back at them, but its attacks fizzled out on their combined Field.

Suddenly, Mark.09 flew up out of the ground, gripping the Lance of Longinus in its right hand.

"Rei's here now, you guys can finish this!" Misato encouraged.

Rei dashed toward them. When she was right behind Shinji, she planted her feet and took position to throw the Lance. But the AT Field was cracking.

"The Angel is neutralizing the Evas' AT Field!" Maya warned, "It won't last much longer!"

" _Come on!_ " Asuka growled.

The Lance twisted in Rei's hand as she drew her arm back. The AT Field shattered down the middle.

"No!" Misato yelled.

The hundred green eyes turned upon Rei. A flash of white glimmered in the pupils, and each shot a single stream, which converged in the air to make one massive beam headed straight for her.

It blasted through Unit-01's chest and then Mark.09's. Shinji gagged and Rei gasped. Misato and Kaworu both screamed. Unit-01 crumpled to its knees, and Mark.09 swayed on its feet before falling backward onto the ground. Kaworu ran over to Shinji.

"Shinji, are you alright?" he asked desperately.

"What's wrong with her?" asked Asuka, who wasn't taking her eyes off the Angel.

"Mark.09's spinal cord has been damaged by the attack!" Aoba explained, "A whole section of it has been blasted away!"

"Shinji!" Misato called, "Are you ok?"

"Shinji Ikari's stats are stable," Maya said, "Pilot is unconscious."

"Just like that baby to pass out at a time like this," Asuka growled.

Aoba continued.

"Rei Ayanami is also unharmed. But Mark.09 is incapacitated."

Misato nodded.

"Understood. Alright, Asuka, take the Lance from Rei –"

"No," said Gendo Ikari.

Everyone in the Command Center looked up, and the pilots froze. The Commander sat, expressionless.

"No one besides Rei is permitted to touch the Lance of Longinus."

"But, Sir –"

"We will use the sniper rifle to destroy the Angel. For now, the pilots will retreat."

Misato glanced at Fuyutsuki. He didn't look too keen on this, either. But he wasn't speaking up, and she had to follow orders.

"Yes, Commander," she said, trying to contain any ire that might leak out into her voice.

She turned to the screen.

"Your orders are to retreat. Help Shinji, Rei and Mari get out of there. When the rifle is set up, Mari will fire it in Unit-02'."

"How come I can't fire it?" Asuka demanded.

"Because, she's the better shot, Asuka, now _get out of there_."

Neither of them were happy. They both hated retreating. But, if they were going to go, it had to be right now.

For a long moment, Kaworu stared between Shinji and Rei. Then, he walked to Rei and stood over her. She looked up at him, wondering what he was doing.

"Rei Ayanami," he said calmly, "If you give me the Lance, I will destroy the Angel."

"Hey," Asuka interrupted, "We're not supposed to do that. Let's just get out of here."

"Rei," he said again, ignoring Asuka, "If you give me the Lance, you can end this now."

She answered, "I have been ordered to be the sole wielder of the Lance."

Kaworu smiled.

"Indeed. But the current circumstances have made the exclusivity of that responsibility rather impractical, wouldn't you agree?"

"Kaworu!" Asuka yelled, but Mari suddenly shushed her and said, "Princess, give it a minute."

Asuka gave her a look, but went silent.

"Kaworu!" Misato yelled, "Don't bother, just come!"

He continued.

"If we wait, people may die. You don't want that."

She continued to stare at him, puzzled. What was he talking about? With an Angel behind him…

"Now you see," he said, "there is a conflict between your desire to serve the wishes of one person and your desire to protect everyone else. If you were to follow your orders right now, you would be satisfied on one front. But, if people should die at the expense of this fulfillment, it would be soured. You would feel remorse for the lives lost. Is this not so, Ayanami?"

Her eyes flickered. Would she feel remorse? She did not know any of those people. All the humans in this city. Were their lives still significant to her? Her eyes slid to the corner of her dash. The Commander…

"Look at me, Rei," Kaworu said firmly.

Her eyes obeyed. She saw his face through his voice. His steady gaze, almost stern, by the red eyes identical to hers. She found she hated the color less in the face of another.

"Is this not so, Rei?"

Hesitantly, she nodded and whispered, "Yes."

"And this is perfectly natural. You are very kind, Rei."

" _Kind"?_ No one had ever called her "kind" before. She didn't know how to feel or what to do. The Angel was behind him. It would kill everyone. Was her only option really to disobey the Commander?

"You have a choice, Rei. You must make this decision for yourself. That which is you does not, _cannot_ belong to the Other. You must decide now, for yourself and for every human being on the planet."

Her chest was aching. She felt like there was one hand around her heart that was squeezing the organ and pushing it against her breastbone, and another in her throat.

"Rei," he said softly, "You can give me the Lance…"

Then He spoke. His words were calm and even.

"Rei. Do not give him the Lance."

For the first time, she was panicking. Her breath hitched as her eyes flickered to the graphic on the dash reading "Voice-Only." The Other was delivering the Word, and she couldn't disobey. How else could she live with herself?

"Rei," Kaworu repeated, "If you choose not to, then that is your decision. But your soul, Rei. What does it want? You feel it, don't you? Inside all the while, yet a stranger to you. Like an unfinished poem. The difference between life and death is the awareness of the soul. You are alive, Rei. As much as others or even you may not believe it, it is the truth. I believe in you. You are as real as me, not a wisp of smoke dissolved by the wind."

Tears brimmed in her eyes.

"Tell me," he whispered, "Do you want to me to take it?"

A drop fell.

"Yes."

"Rei," the Commander interrupted, more forcibly this time.

Her eyes were fixed on Kaworu. She didn't think she could look away from him now if she tried. The consequences of her actions were like knives in her brain. But the tears, and the hands squeezing her inside, and the light in the recesses of her heart were bidding her on with a siren song.

"Take it," she whispered, extending her arm as the lights flickered in the hundred eyes.

Kaworu smiled.

"Thank you."

He reached out toward her.

"Rei! Do _not_ let him take the Lance! I forbid you - !"

Kaworu's hands closed around the shaft.

For the first time ever, they heard the Commander curse before he jumped to his feet and looked down at Misato.

"Katsuragi, shut down Mark.06."

Her mouth fell open.

"Are you kidding me, Sir?"

Immediately realizing what she'd said, she clapped both hands over her mouth.

A humourless smirk stretched across his face before he barked at Maya, "Shut it down!"

But it was too late. Kaworu had pulled the Lance out of Mark.09's grip. Wielding it in his right hand, he faced the screeching Angel, drew back the Lance, and hurled it at the core. The Angel screamed, and the light welled up in its eyes, but the Lance was already a blur as it sailed through the air and tore through the core. The light and the black spines curved toward the point of impact as if they were being sucked into a vortex. One second, the Angel was there, and the next, it was gone.

The Lance didn't lose any momentum, as if it had just traveled through a cloud. Everyone watched as it flew away, heading into the sky.

"Well," Fuyutsuki murmured, "This is an unexpected turn of events."

Suddenly, Kaworu dug his heels into the ground and thrust off, racing after the Lance.

"Is he going after that thing?" Asuka asked incredulously.

"It's moving too fast; he's not gonna catch it!" Mari yelled.

But Mark.06 shot forward like a bullet, until it was a blur as well. Above its head, a white halo bloomed. When it was directly below the Lance, it jumped and threw out a hand to grab it. The Lance shredded the thin armor on the palm of Mark.06's hand and dragged it off its feet, pulling it along in the air. Finally, it slowed, and Mark.06 fell, clutching the Lance to its chest. It was a long way to the ground. When the Eva's back hit the surface, it rebounded up, accompanied by a resonating cracking sound. Then it flopped back down, and everything was still.

"Oh my God," Asuka whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! I hope this has made you laugh, cry, and scream a little, too.

In the Command Center, everyone was silent. The lieutenants all stared at their computer screens.

"Hyuga," Misato said, to no response, "Hyuga!"

"Uh, sorry, ma'am. Eva Unit Mark.06 has sustained heavy damage to the spinal column. Three vertebrae are cracked."

She nodded.

"Pilot is alright?"

"Well, uh…"

"Kaworu?" she said, staring intently at the display, "Are you alright?"

Mark.06 was still as a statue. It was still firmly gripping the Lance of Longinus, but it was visibly tense, with its back bent up.

There was no response for several seconds before Kaworu answered softly, "Please - "

A few more seconds.

"- cut the nerve endings."

Misato glanced at Hyuga. As he reached for the computer keys, the Commander spoke again.

"Cease that action, lieutenant."

It was all Misato could do to not whip around and chew him out, but she'd already crossed the line earlier, and she didn't want a second strike.

Thankfully, Asuka could be relied upon to cover for her.

" _What?_ " she screeched, "Are you _kidding?_ He just _broke_ his _back!_ What the hell is wrong with you people?"

The Commander ignored Asuka's remarks and spoke directly to Kaworu.

"Kaworu Nagisa, put down the Lance of Longinus."

Kaworu didn't answer immediately.

"If I attempt to move, I may damage the Eva further."

"Regardless, your orders are to put down the Lance."

"Hey, hold on for a minute," Asuka interrupted, "I'll do it for him, ok?"

"No one but Rei is permitted to touch the Lance. That much should have been clear from the beginning. Now, Nagisa, drop the Lance."

Over the intercom, the sound of heavy breathing swelled. Mark.06's arm twitched, then it's wrist. Painstakingly slowly, it's left hand released the Lance. The right wrist turned outward, and the arm followed. When the hand was bent all the way back, the fingers went slack. The Lance rolled off his fingers and hit the ground with a _THUD_.

Misato glanced over her shoulder at Him, hardly caring if she looked as angry as she felt. His face was unreadable as ever. She bent down to Hyuga's ear.

"Do it. And eject the pilot."

Hyuga's fingers flew over the computer keys as he carried out her orders. There was a loud sound of hydraulics decompressing as the entry plug was ejected. It burst out from beneath the fallen Eva, following an almost horizontal path until the top end bounced against the ground, sending it into a series of flips. It crashed again and again as it somersaulted.

"I got him!" Mari yelled as she rushed forward.

She caught the plug mid-flip.

"Kaworu, are you ok?"

"He can't hear you, idiot," Asuka said before addressing Misato, "So, is this stupid mission over yet? Can we all go home to lick our wounds and stretch our broken backs?"

Misato sighed.

"Yes. Operation is successful. Head back to HQ."

" _Uhm_ ," someone groaned over the intercom, "Hey…Hey, what happened?"

"Oh, fuck me," Asuka growled.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Mari took Kaworu's entry plug into her Eva's cage and set it down on the bulkhead. When she got out and ran down, he was already sitting on the edge of the plug's open doorway, rubbing the back of his head. She stopped beside him.

"I would hug you, but-"

He laughed.

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling?"

He stopped rubbing and shrugged.

"Alright. How are you?"

"Me?" she asked incredulously and shook her leg, "I'm just _chipper_. That's a Western expression, _'chipper.'_ "

"Mm," he mumbled, "How are Shinji and Rei?"

"Dunno. Haven't seen them. I ran straight over here to check on you. They're both conscious, though, if that helps."

She looked over her shoulder at one of the doors. Medical personnel were spilling out of it.

"Oh, look, they're coming to check our boo-boos. Although, with you, it might be more than just a boo-boo."

She looked him over again.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yup. I'm chipper," he said, placing his hands on his hips, swinging his legs over the side of the plug, and sliding down to the floor.

Over by the crowd of approaching doctors and nurses, they suddenly heard Asuka saying, "Excuse me! Excuse me!"

She broke through, saw them, and ran forward a few yards before stopping. She examined Kaworu closely.

"You still in one piece?"

"Yes."

"Do you have a concussion?"

He held a hand to the side of his head, grinning.

"Mm, not so bad. There are worse head injuries. Thank you for asking, though, Asuka. That's very thoughtful of you."

"Oh, save it for your boyfriend," she said as she scowled and crossed her arms, "And, by the way, can you _believe_ that lump?"

"He couldn't help it," Kaworu defended.

She snorted.

"Yeah, well, his _subconscious_ sure has a way of letting him avoid bad things, huh? You save everybody, then risk your butt getting that lance back – what is that thing, by the way? – and he sleeps through the _whooole_ thing."

Kaworu shrugged. He couldn't argue with the first sentence, anyway.

A doctor walked up.

"Nagisa-san, you need to be examined."

"Of course."

He smiled and waved to Asuka and Mari as he was led away.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

In Unit-01's cage, Shinji was fighting the nurses.

"But I wanna see Kaworu!" he protested as two of them tried to wrestle him onto a gurney.

"Ikari-san, for the last time, we need to examine you. This is procedure – "

"But, I'm fine! Kaworu's the one who's hurt, right? And what about everybody else? I just wanna see them."

"They're in the care of medical personnel. You can see them when all of you are finished."

Disgruntledly, he finally stopped struggling and sat quietly on the gurney, although he maintained a pout.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Rei stood in the dim hallway, feeling the LCL dry on her skin. Her plug suit was sticking to her. She wanted to take it off, but he was coming.

Her entry plug had to be manually extracted because the spinal damage affected the remote controls of the Eva. When she opened the door and stepped out, she saw the other Evas stalking away, and she saw the body of Mark.06, its fingers bent crookedly like those of an arthritis patient. When NERV personnel arrived at the scene, one of the men in black suits stepped out of a Jeep and told her to get in. He took her to Central Dogma and into a hallway; the same hallway in which she had waited for the Commander earlier. She heard him saying something and leave.

Now, she stood in the dark, waiting, covered in blood she could smell.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

The nurses plucked the ECG electrodes off of Shinji's chest as he shook his leg impatiently. The examination room had a door with a glazed window, which he stared at. He saw a person run by, then return a half-second later. They opened the door ad stuck their head in, and he saw it was Mari. She was also wearing hospital clothes. She grinned at him.

"Hey there," she said cheerfully, "My, what a nice chest you have, Shinji."

He blushed and hurriedly pulled on the shirt that was lying beside him on the bed.

"Are you alright?" he asked her.

"Yup. _Fit as a fiddle,_ " she said in English, "And, before you ask, yes, your wife and husband are alright, too."

He felt a weight lifted off his chest.

"What happened, though?" he asked, "I missed everything…"

"Oh -"

She sighed, shrugged, and rolled her eyes.

"- nothing."

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Kaworu lay on the mattress as the MRI machine banged loudly around him. Even with the clamor of the magnets and the throbbing in his head, he was still having trouble keeping awake. Ever since he got out the entry plug, he had steadily become drowsier. He closed his eyes as he waited for the scan to finish. Twenty minutes later, they pulled him out. The LED lights on the ceiling hurt his eyes, and he squinted at Dr. Ritsuko, who stood beside him.

"You've sustained a mild concussion," she explained, "It's not too bad, so there's no need to worry. You need to rest for a few days. Avoid any physically or mentally rigorous activities. Basically, you're pretty lucky; you get to stay home and do nothing all day."

He gazed at her and blinked rapidly. It felt like her words drifted in one ear and out the other.

"It was a joke," she explained as she leaned down and peered into his hazy eyes.

"Ah. Sorry, I'm just tired" he said as he began sitting up, "Can I go to the showers now?"

She nodded.

"Fatigue is a common symptom of a concussion. You can go, but don't try to walk home by yourself, alright?"

He nodded and swung his legs over the side. As he stood up, he wobbled and had to grab the bed for support. One of the nurses ran up and offered his hand.

"No, thank you," Kaworu mumbled, "I can manage."

"It's alright," the nurse assured him, "Here."

Kaworu hesitated before taking his hand.

"Thank you."

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

She heard a footstep. Without meaning to, she whipped her head toward the sound. Another. And another, steadily approaching. She could make out a silhouette growing larger. She kept her eyes on it and wiped her face of any emotion. She didn't want him to look at her and see into her heart. The faint light glinted on his glasses and the metal fastenings of his suit. His face appeared.

Finally, a meter away, he stopped. He didn't speak for a whole minute. He looked down at her sternly, and she continued to watch. Then, he sighed and reached for her hand. She made herself stay still even though she didn't want to be touched. As he squeezed it, his expression softened.

"Rei," he began, "How are you feeling?"

"I am well."

"Good…It has been an unfortunate turn of events today. It must have been hard for you, to be in that position.

"Please," he continued, giving her hand another squeeze, "Let me keep these burdens upon myself. You may want to help, but they are not for you to decide. You don't have the wisdom to know what must be done, Rei."

He smiled.

"I know, Nagisa manipulated you. He is very astute in that way. If he hadn't played on your emotions, you never would have disobeyed me. Do you remember I told you that you cannot trust him? You must stay away from him, Rei. He will attempt to speak with you and coerce you again now that he has swayed you once. Do not believe his lies. Do you understand? I'm trying to protect you, Rei."

He looked almost sad now.

"Promise me you will not speak to him and that you will do as I say."

She stared at him, hesitating. He placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Promise me, Rei."

Her lips slowly parted.

"I promise…"

He smiled again and patted her shoulder gently.

"Good girl. Now, you want a shower, don't you?" he said as he began leading her down the hall.

"Yes."

"Alright. Go shower, and we can eat dinner afterwards. What would you like, tofu…?"

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

The hot water ran down Shinji's neck as tears burned his eyes. One clenched fist pressed against the tile, and the other shook at his side.

"Fuck it," he whispered hoarsely, "Fuck him…"

" _Why does he always have to fuck everything up? Why does he have to hurt everyone?"_

The tears spilled over as he clenched his teeth. After holding out on him for a while, Mari had finally described everything to him. When she said what happened to Kaworu, Shinji practically had a stroke. Why did horrible things have to happen to people as good as Kaworu?

" _Because people like Father exist."_

He wanted to destroy everything that made Shinji happy; everything beautiful and innocent that made life worth living. He'd hurt Rei and Kaworu, and even Asuka. To think that Shinji had ever wanted his love or acceptance. It was obvious: the man was a demon and he would never care about anything but himself. He was never going to give a damn about Shinji, no matter what happened.

" _Maybe it's better off Mother is dead. She's far away from him."_

He grunted and punched the wall. As the sharp pain shot through his knuckles, he cursed and gripped his fist.

"Shinji?"

Kaworu was standing outside the door of the stall. Without thinking, Shinji flung himself at Kaworu and threw his arms around his neck. Realizing the door was between them, Shinji stepped back, pulled it open, and latched onto him again.

"Kaworu, I was so worried!" he gasped.

Kaworu grabbed Shinji's waist to keep himself from falling over.

"It's alright. I'm here. Are you ok?"

"Yeah," Shinji murmured against Kaworu's neck.

He glanced down and suddenly jolted. Within two seconds, he had jumped back into the stall and shut the door between them.

"U-uh, sorry," he stuttered, his face sporting a fiery blush.

Kaworu was confused and still holding his arms in the air. He looked between himself and Shinji and finally got it. Neither of them were wearing any clothes.

"Oh, that's alright," he laughed.

"I-I, ah, was worried about you. Mari told me what happened…"

Suddenly, a look of terror flashed across Shinji's face.

"Oh, I'm sorry I grabbed you! Did I hurt you?"

Still smiling, Kaworu shook his head.

"No, not at all."

"Ok, good…That was terrible, what happened earlier, and I missed all of it. I'm really sorry. I was totally useless."

He hung his head.

"Shinji, it's not your fault that you got hurt."

"But I passed out like a wimp. I haven't done that in forever, but I did it today, at the worst possible time! And Mari said you saved everyone. You convinced Rei to give you that Lance, even though no one else was supposed to touch it. How did you do that? Why did _she_ do that?" he asked in wonderment.

Kaworu tilted his head and thought carefully before responding.

"Rei was the one who saved all of us, Shinji. If she hadn't given me the Lance, the Third Impact might have happened by now. She chose to listen to her own wishes above those of the most important person in her life. I did not convince her to do something for anyone else; I simply reminded her of her power over her own destiny. The light of the soul, once awakened, is difficult to repress again. We will have to wait to see what effect this event has on her journey, but I hope she will find her way out of the darkness sooner rather than later."

As he spoke, Kaworu gazed at a distant point as though he was reflecting on something.

"Kaworu," Shinji said softly, "Is this what you meant in the lift when you said something about 'the revival of Ayanami'?"

Kaworu's eyes focused on Shinji's, and he smiled.

"Yes. This is the beginning. You have very good memory, Shinji."

Shinji shrugged and smiled back bashfully.

"So, are you gonna bathe?" he asked.

"Ah, yes. I'll take a shower, and then we can go soak in the baths.

"Ok."

Shinji hurriedly finished his own shower and wrapped his towel around his waist. As he stepped out, he looked down at Kaworu's stall. The water was running, but he couldn't see Kaworu at all.

"Kaworu?" he called.

There was no answer. Getting a sickly feeling in his stomach, Shinji tip-toed over. When he peeked in, he was horrified to see Kaworu's delicate frame crumpled against the wall. Gasping, he threw the door open and rushed to grab him. As he pulled on Kaworu's shoulders, his head lolled back. His mouth hung open, and his eyes were shut.

"Kaworu!" Shinji cried out, voice trembling as he clutched him to his chest, "Kaworu, what's wrong?"

Still, he didn't respond.

"Don't do this, Kaworu!" Shinji practically screamed as he shook him.

Kaworu's eyelids fluttered open, and his bloodshot eyes rose to look at Shinji.

"What's happening?" he asked groggily.

"Oh my God, Kaworu, you passed out! I thought you were dead."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

Shinji frowned worriedly.

"Maybe I should just take you home."

"Yes, that is probably best," Kaworu murmured as he snuggled further into Shinji's chest.

"Uh, do you need a towel?"

Kaworu opened his eyes again.

"I can just use yours."

Shinji blushed.

"No, you can't! I'm using it."

Kaworu gave him a sleepy, salacious grin, and glanced down at his lap.

"Not since the door, you haven't."

* * *

**_THE END_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I love pervy Kaworu. XP
> 
> May all your dreams come true, children. I love you, guys! ^.^  
> \- EN


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